Hello friends! Today, I would like to talk about something that by now, we are all intimately familiar with: disappointment. Even before this past year, I don’t know of a single person who has never felt the sting of being let down by someone or something. No matter how big or small the disappointment, I think we can all agree that the feeling flat out stinks. Sometimes, depending on the situation, disappointment can even be followed by hurt or anger, and we often find ourselves blaming those negative feelings on ourselves or others. While all of this is totally and completely natural, and even necessary for growth, dwelling in these feelings is not healthy and can keep us from moving on and learning from our experiences.
Personal story time. If you know me personally, you are probably aware that my dating history is, well, pretty much nonexistent. In fact, I went on my first date ever about three weeks ago. For anyone reading this now who doesn’t know me well, this means that before I did something that most people seem to do during high school, I had already graduated college with two degrees and four teaching certifications, and was halfway through graduate school. I don’t tell you this to make you make you feel bad for me. In fact, I have come to accept this as part of my story and I have no regrets about it. I am sharing this with you instead, to help you understand just how excited I was at all of the possibilities in front of me when something I had been waiting for for years was finally right in front of me. I was really excited. Maybe it was naive of me to hope that my first date ever (or the two that followed) could turn into something more, but hey, a girl can dream. As it turns out, after three dates and as many weeks of talking, he told me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and didn’t want to lead me on. He let me down respectfully and we ended things on good terms. But I won’t lie; I am disappointed, and sad, and yes, even a little bit angry.
It is not the first time I have ever felt this way, and I know it won’t be the last. I also know that I won’t feel this way forever, and that better things are yet to come. In the meantime, all I can do is take what I have learned from other experiences with disappointment and move forward. As it turns out, this moment has come during a season in my life in which I happen to be reading and listening to some incredible women who are using their gifts to share their own experiences and advice on how to live life to the fullest, and it is due to them that I was inspired to write this post. So here it is, a short list of things I have learned and am learning about getting back up after we’ve been knocked down.
4 ways to Deal with Disappointment
1. Stop listening to sad music when you are sad.
I used to do this all the time. I would get in a bad mood for whatever reason, and then actively seek out music that reflected what I was feeling. And it wasn’t hard to do. If you go to the “mood” category on Spotify right now, I guarantee that you will find multiple playlists full of sad songs, specifically to meet that need. And I get it; misery loves company. When we feel down, we want to know that we aren’t alone in it, and sad music is a very effective way of making that happen. Sometimes it helps to hear your own feelings reflected in someone else’s words. But the danger in this comes when sadness is all you are surrounding yourself with, and suddenly you feel worse than you did before. It is a slippery, downhill slope, and it can be hard to crawl out of. Now, instead of listening to sad music when I am feeling down, I actively seek out the opposite. I have several playlists dedicated to happy, upbeat, encouraging music and I can’t even begin to describe what a difference it has made in my mental health. Instead of using music to dwell on the negative feelings, I use it as a tool to remind me that life isn’t all doom and gloom and that hope and happiness are all around me. Plus, nothing can turn my mood around better than having a one-woman dance party in my room, hairbrush microphone and all. The point isn’t to ignore the bad feelings, it’s to remember the good.
I made this playlist to help me boost my mood and keep dancing through life. It includes some serious throwbacks, some songs to remind me to not take myself too seriously, some songs that remind me of things that make me happy, and some songs that are just plain fun. It may seem silly, but turning this on never fails to make me smile. In fact, I’m listening to it right now!
2. Turn to a Mentor
I used to think that a mentor had to be someone you knew personally, but what I have come to realize is that a mentor is really just someone you can trust to give you good advice. I have been fortunate enough to have grown up in a community of people who love me and look after me through all seasons of my life, both the good and the not-so-good, and who I know I can always turn to when I need advice or guidance. I have also been lucky to meet a handful of women, not in person, but through books, podcasts, TedTalks, and even Netflix comedy specials, who I have received some amazing and even life-changing advice from. Turning to the words and wisdom of these women has given me so many moments of clarity and practical tools that I use literally every day, and I have been blown away by the number of times they have told me exactly what I needed to hear exactly when I needed to here it. Next time you feel like you need some guidance (or better yet, as soon as you finish reading this!) check out these lovely ladies who have helped me so much, and see if they have something to offer you too. And if they aren’t your cup of tea, then keep looking. There are so many people and resources out there for you to turn to, in person and otherwise, and I promise that you will find what you are looking for if you keep your eyes open.
Rachel Hollis Sadie Robertson-Huff Iliza Shlesinger Brené Brown
3. Give yourself a break, but don’t give up
If you are disappointed about something, it is because you were once excited about something. Don’t let that excitement disappear. Being let down, whether it was something avoidable or not, never feels good, and can make us feel like hope is lost. You are allowed to feel bad. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to vent. But when you are done, be done. Get back up and do whatever you need to do to get that excitement back, even if it means turning in a slightly different direction. When I found out that my college graduation wasn’t going to include walking across a stage with all of my friends and being handed the diploma I had been working for for four incredibly challenging years, I cried, I moped, and I may or may not have eaten my weight in ice-cream. But then I washed my face, turned on my happy music, and invited my fellow graduates to celebrate with me anyway. That invitation turned into the second most-viewed post I have ever written. And on the day I was originally supposed to walk across that stage, I ended up crying happy tears in my front yard as all of my friends and family drove by with signs, and balloons, and more love than I could possibly handle. That moment serves as a daily reminder to me that just because things don’t happen the way we expect or want them to, doesn’t mean that good things won’t still come, and sometimes the end result is even better.
If you are disappointed about something, it is because you were once excited about something.
4. Its okay to lower your expectations, but never your standards
This advice can best be applied when it comes to relationships (any kind, not just the romantic ones), but it absolutely relates to other aspects of life as well. If I hear someone tell me one more time that I need to lower my standards, I am going to scream. People have been telling me this for years and I am here to say that it needs to stop. One of the perks of being single for 23 years, is that I know who I am as an individual. I know what I like, what I want, and most importantly, what I deserve- and I don’t throw that last word around lightly.
When we get disappointed, it is usually because something has not met our expectations, and this can happen for a variety of reasons. Global pandemics aside, when things don’t meet our expectations, it tends to be because we- as creative, ambitious human beings- have a habit of letting our imaginations get ahead of us. We build up images of things-to-come in our minds so much that sometimes they become unrealistic, and then we get disappointed when the reality doesn’t match. It is absolutely okay, and even healthy, to remind ourselves every once in a while that not everything we do or every person we meet in life is going to meet our expectations, especially if they are a little bit out there. We can learn from disappointment to keep our expectations in check.
But standards are different. Standards aren’t built from imagination, they are built from experience, intuition, and self-awareness. They are more solid than expectations, as they should be. Your standards, whatever they may be, have to do with the respect you have for yourself and others, and an understanding of the kind and quality of life you know you want to live. I see standards as promises that we make to ourselves about the things and people in our lives, and like my mentor Rachel Hollis says, you should “never break a promise to yourself.” No matter what gets you down, never let it take your standards down with it.
Disappointment is part of life, but it doesn’t have to define it. Even when we think that nothing will ever get better, or that we have lost our one and only chance at something, we can turn things around. I’ve said it before and I will continue saying it for the rest of my life: the circumstances may be out of our control, but the results don’t have to be. We have the power to pick ourselves back up and continue to learn and grow from our experiences. If you are in a moment of disappointment, remember that it is just that- a moment. Take a breath, eat a cupcake, and then get up and go back out into the world with a smile on your face. I hope this advice will help you as much as it has helped me.
*Originally posted January 2021