Problems. We all have them in some form or another. In this post, I am going to share with you the lesson I learned from Mark Manson’s bestselling book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life, about how to use the problems we face to live happier and with more intention.

What Mark Manson Taught Me About Problems

Picture this

I am sitting in the blanket covered rocking chair in the corner of my room, ready to start the book I have to finish before my book club tomorrow, and my mind is in a million other places. I have laundry that needs to be done, dinner that needs to be cooked, a budget that needs budgeting, and the job application I’ve been procrastinating finishing for literal months is taunting me from the closed laptop across the room. 

All summer I have been going back and forth in my head, trying to figure out my life- trying to figure out how to figure out my life. Things are looking up, but I still feel pretty stuck. Every decision I make feels life-altering and I don’t want to make any of them.

This book is supposedly going to teach me, a perfectionistic 25 year old with anxiety and an adjustment disorder how to just let go and “stop giving a fuck.” Yeah. Right. I couldn’t even say the word “fuck” out loud without breaking into hives until two months ago. I’ve listened to enough people tell me to stop taking everything so seriously. Like this book is going to be any different. (And I really hope it is because good golly I need to stop taking everything so seriously!)

I open the book and start reading. I am not even all the way through the 2nd page when I have to stop and read this line again. And again. And again. It’s from famed writer and drunk, Charles Bukowski, and it says:

I have one of two choices- stay in the post office and go crazy… or stay out here and play artist and starve. I have decided to starve.

Quoted in, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Mark Manson

I quickly pull out my highlighter, a sticky note, and my favorite pen and write four words: what are your choices? 

Choose Your Problems

The point isn’t to get away from the shit. The point is to find the shit you enjoy dealing with.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Mark Manson

Despite the cynical attitude I had upon starting this one, I love self-help books. Anything that has to do with personal development, growth, or improving quality of life, I eat right up. Obviously. I mean, that’s kind of what I’m trying to do here too. 

But in all that I have read, I have never heard anyone make suffering sound so hopeful. I have read about how to make the best of hard situations, how to cope with pain, how to turn falls into triumphs, etc. But never had I heard anyone so explicitly recommend living a happier life by picking which problems you would rather have. 

But the more I read and the more I thought about it, the more it made sense, and the more I started to apply it to all of the decisions I am facing in my life right now. 

We, and by “we” I mean those of us in developed countries where our problems are much less about safety and survival and much more about comfort and instant gratification, have this dysfunctional belief that we will finally be happy once our problems are solved. We think we will finally be “our best selves” when we lose the weight, get the grade up, or earn the promotion. 

Or in my case, as was so eagerly suggested by a six year old who was supposed to be practicing his vowel sounds but was instead interrogating me about my living situation, “don’t worry Miss C, someday you will get a husband and then you won’t be lonely anymore!” Thanks bud. 

And then when we do achieve those goals and the initial excitement falls away and we realize that we actually still have a lot of problems, and even some new ones now, we get disappointed and start looking for the next big thing that’s going to magically fix our lives. 

But if we approach life with the acceptance that we will always have problems, and that we have some control over what those problems are, we can be more intentional in our choices and avoid some of that disappointment. 

True happiness occurs only when you find the problems you enjoy having and enjoy solving. 

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Mark Manson

It sounds odd, doesn’t it? Who enjoys having problems? But if we really think about it, nearly everything we do can be connected to a problem. 

We solve the problem of not being able to survive without food by gardening, going to the grocery store, and cooking. We solve the problem of not having enough knowledge by reading and listening to others. Some of us solve the problem of Western New York winters by filling our houses with plants and things that remind us that the sun will come back eventually. 

Life is full of problems, and each choice we make will bring new and different ones with it. The good news is that not all problems are created equally and we don’t always have to be stuck with problems that we hate.

For example, feeling sore and feeling guilty are both problems for me. But I have come to realize that I would much rather feel sore after a good workout than feel guilty for not working out. I am choosing my problem. 

As I work on being more financially healthy I am choosing the problem of not being able to buy every single book I want to read over the problem of being in debt for longer than necessary. 

As I think about my social life moving forward I am choosing the problem of potential awkwardness and/or rejection over the problem of continuing to feel isolated and lonely. 

As I think about my career, I am choosing the problem of getting through that dang application over the problem of being unemployed. 

You get the picture. 

The point, which is made so much more eloquently and with so much more depth in Manson’s book, is that we can’t avoid suffering, or discomfort, or problems, or whatever you want to call it, but we can make choices that make those things more bearable, and even enjoyable.  

What is your problem?

The book, which I seriously recommend reading for so many other reasons than just the one lesson I presented here, is full of prompts and thought provoking questions to help readers apply their new insights in real life. (I’m not kidding, read this book. The 204 pages are a problem you want to have.)

I have one for you too, and it’s the question I asked myself on that page 2 sticky note. 

What are your choices? 

If you are feeling stuck, or unsure, or unhappy with something in your life right now, what are your choices? Which problems are you facing now, which problems could you face if you did something differently, and which ones are you more willing to have? 

Write it all down. Make a powerpoint presentation. Color code the crap out of it. Put together a jury of your peers to analyze it. Do whatever feels right to you, but really think about it. If it means becoming even 1% happier, then I think it’s a pretty good start. 

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