Welcome back wonderful readers! It has been a little bit over a YEAR since I last posted anything other than a quote or poem here, and I am so happy to be back doing what I love: sharing my random bits of insight with anyone willing to listen. I wish I had more more exciting explanation for why I have been MIA on here, but I don’t. It wasn’t that there wasn’t anything to write about- because there is always something to write about- or that I have been working on something so incredible and huge that it just took that long to write (I wish!). The simple truth is, this past year has been HARD. For a multitude of reasons I won’t bore you with in this post, I spent much of the last 12 or so months doing everything I could just to keep my head above water. As a result, every time I sat down to write I found myself so mentally drained or overwhelmed with things to say that I couldn’t make anything come out right.
Then this summer came and I finally had the time I really needed to sit down and figure out what I needed to do to change the things I needed to change in my life. An important part of that reflection was looking at what was really behind so much of what I was feeling and experiencing. One of those root causes was my love-hate relationship with time.
The Time Conundrum
Time fascinates and infuriates me. One minute can feel like an hour, and the next a second. There is no way to stop it, or slow it, or make it go faster. It is one of the only things in life that we have absolutely no control over. It comes and goes and takes us along with it, never taking into consideration what we want out of it. Thinking about time is something that I do quite often, whether intentionally or not. Sometimes I wish I could turn the clock back and do all of the things I regret not doing when I was younger, like going to summer camp, taking voice lessons, or dying my hair a fun color. Other times, I wish that I could turn the clock forward. I’ve been dreaming of my future for so long, and I want those things that come along with it so badly, that there are times I wish I could skip over all of this in-between stuff.
I very vividly remember telling someone once, “I was never meant to be in my 20s.” As a kid, my family lovingly described me as 3-going-on-30. Growing up, and still today, I seem to get on better with people much younger than me and much older than me, never really feeling like I fit in with people my own age. Now I know what you are thinking here; nobody feels like they fit in when they are growing up. True. Trying to find yourself in a sea of other people and coming up empty is something that everyone experiences at some point (or points) in life. But for me it felt deeper than just not fitting in. I felt trapped in time, waiting for people to catch up with me and desperately trying to catch up with others all in the same moment. I wanted to skip ahead, to fast-forward through all of these years of uncertainly, loneliness, and waiting. I knew that this was impossible of course, but it wasn’t until this summer that I fully understood how incredibly sad it was that I felt this way.
Then it hit me one day; the idea that sparked a summer that changed my life for the better. Maybe it should have hit me sooner, but late is better than never right? I can’t control time, but I can control how I spend it. I realized in that moment that I had two choices. I could continue longing for a future that will only come as soon as it comes, letting life pass me by until then, or I can choose to live my life, not waiting for my future, but building it. I chose option two.
The list that changed my life
Many of you who know me personally might know that I love making lists. I make them for everything. I once even made a list of lists that I needed to make. Usually the big lists, the ones about my life and what I am doing with it, are filled with things that I want to do, things that one day might happen if I make the effort to go for them. They are notebook pages filled with the equivalent of several New Years resolutions. I think we all know what happens to those. So I decided that I was going to use a list to help me with this new outlook on life, but that it wouldn’t be the kind that would get me excited at first and then let me down when I looked at the end of the summer and realized that I only did two out of the 40 things I wanted to do. Instead of making a list of all of the cool things I wanted to do, I began a list of all of the things I did for the first time. Every time I did something new, I added it to my list and watched it grow. And grow. And grow.
What my list helped me accomplish:
This summer I was the happiest I remember being in a very long time. I was happy because I was done waiting. I was living. I was taking advantage of every moment I had available and choosing to spend them how I wanted. As I watched my list grow, I was able to pull myself out of that mindset of being stuck. Instead of focusing on all of the things I wasn’t doing and being depressed about it, I was focusing on the things that I was doing, and it made all the difference. This summer I went paddle boarding for the first time, I went to Park Ave Fest in Rochester for the first time, I looked at Jupiter through a telescope for the first time and saw all four of its moons! I hiked past the whirlpool rapids, saw 5 artists in concert for the first time, and was able to finally use my passport. I did 21 new things in two months.
The more I added to my list, the more I realized I could add to my list. I started doing more, adding more, and smiling more, which really was the ultimate goal.
What helped:
Stop listening to fear
The first thing I knew I needed to do when I set out on this journey was to stop listening to so many of my fears. Fear has, unfortunately, been one of the strongest motivators in my life to date. Sometimes this is not a bad thing; for example, my fear of breaking rules and getting me in trouble keeping me from, well… getting in trouble. But other times it is limiting in a more negative way, such as my fear of rejection keeping me from reaching out and making new connections with people.
Start Small
I started small. I did something I have been wanting to do for a very long time, but haven’t for fear of it turning out horribly wrong. I dyed my hair purple. It was temporary dye and I only did the ends, but I did it. And then I did it again- my whole head that time. I loved it. Then one night I joined my family in the body-shocking activity of jumping into the cold river immediately after getting out of the hot tub, and then getting right back in. It was silly, and probably didn’t do great things for the hot tub water, but it was fun. I felt alive. Saying no to fear and yes to life wasn’t- and still isn’t- always easy, but even baby steps can make a big difference.
Make it visible
Another thing that helped was keeping my list in a place where I could see it every day. In my room at home I have a small section of my wall painted with chalkboard paint. I did one of the cheesiest things I have ever done in writing “Summer of Yes” in a rainbow of colors over where I began my list. Having it so visible and accessible was a daily reminder of how far I had come and how much I was doing and it helped keep me motivated to keep going. Every time I saw it I thought to myself, “Look how much you would have missed if you had said no. Look how much you have accomplished. Look how much space you have left to fill!”
Read Read Read!
And of course, I wouldn’t be anywhere without my books. To give you a list of all of the books that have inspired me to get to where I am today would require a whole other post, but this one wouldn’t feel complete without mentioning the four books that helped me with this endeavor specifically. I highly recommend each of them if you are at all looking to improve literally anything in your life. They will make you laugh, make you cry, and most importantly make you think.
Girl, Wash Your Face, by Rachel Hollis
Girl, Stop Apologizing, by Rachel Hollis
Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine: A Novel, by Gail Honeyman
52 Cups of Coffee: Inspiring and insightful stories for navigating life’s uncertainties by Megan Gebhart
A last note:
So far I have been writing all of this in past tense, but I think it is important to note that while this all started a few months ago, it isn’t a past tense occurrence. A change like this isn’t something that happens and then stops. It is ongoing, continuous, fluid. Now that I am back at school it has been taking a little bit more effort to make the most of the little free time that I have, but my crazy schedule hasn’t stopped me. I am still keeping my fear in check, doing things that the person I was three months ago would have panicked at the thought of. Of course, my current self still panics at a whole lot, so don’t go getting any crazy ideas about how I’m spending my time. But I am still having more fun, still smiling more. Just yesterday I went to my first fringe festival and saw a street dance competition live for the first time, and those are only two of the 4 or 5 things I added to my list- which I’m now keeping in a notebook by my bed.
At game night with my roommates the other night I was asked what a movie about my life would be called. After several seconds of flustered facial expressions and “uuuhh”-ing, I responded confidently, “Title in Progress.” Last year that would have bothered me, but now I know that as long as I keep adding to that list of firsts and making the most of every moment, it doesn’t matter that I can’t fast forward to the future; I am pretty darn proud of where I am in the present.
*Originally published September 2019